While on a recent trip to Alaska, the gravel driveway leading to the mountain house I stayed in for most of my trip became my place to reconcile many of my thoughts concerning July’s Full Buck Moon in Capricorn. I felt it fitting to get some of this mental mess organized in that setting because of the Moon's personification as a guide to those who travel. Night travelers specifically. And though I didn’t have much issue with with lower visibility at the time- (because Alaskan Summers offer very long, sunlit days)- I still found myself weighing how the Moon points to a kind of guidance that, regardless of the landscape (be it internal or external)- illuminates what would otherwise be hidden if it weren't for its offerings of light. So, with the Full Buck Moon in Capricorn coming up on July 3rd, I had to play with the idea of how the concept of faith could be partially thought of as a resting place that we enter after surrendering to the overlooked and hidden aspects of our nature- and allowing said nature, to do its thing.
Full Moons generally point to rejuvenation, and that message seems to peak at July's "Buck Moon." The July Full Moon gained this nickname as a signature of timing when the antlers of male deer reach their most prominent for the year. This milestone is largely reached due to the function of velvet that covers, protects, and nourishes a buck's antlers. Despite velvet's vital role in aiding in the animal's survival, from July through September, the velvet is shed and offered to the earth- which allows for the maturation cycle to continue.
But if you were to think of the processes of velvet shedding (or watch it happen), it looks so incredibly painful from the perspective of an outside observer. Velvet provides a protective covering and contains several blood vessels that make for an excruciating site when it molts. It's not an example of rejuvenation that appears too appealing. But it reminds me of the transformation that occurs when nature is allowed to do what it does. While brutal at times, nature itself allows the space for those equipped to survive- to adjust and repeatedly adapt to their newfound environments.
I consider this act of shedding a reflection of faith because I doubt that a buck has much conscious or purposeful say on whether it sheds or not. While I believe there could be an expectation that it's just going to happen, I can't say if bucks are anxiously waiting, begging, or wondering if they're good enough to shed something that no longer fits them- even if it did provide protection and nourishment to them for a season.
But I'm not a male deer, and I don't think anyone reading this is a buck, either. Myself and those who would follow along in this are supposedly part of "God's Greatest Creation," The Human Being! Still, I like to look to nature to reflect what could potentially be lost as a consequence of belonging to the most "dominant" and "perfect" species walking this planet… Because in all our consciousness and free will and this or that- I feel that so much gets lost in just trying to survive. And if I were to speak personally, I would have to admit that I still find myself fighting to perform, to be good enough, to do enough, and be chosen. Which could be an aspect of nature that's universal. Other living beings participate in the same kinds of behavior, to survive. And perhaps part of the difficulty of being a human is that it's incredibly easy and even encouraged (for a variety of reasons) that we disconnect from other aspects of our own nature. Because we need to use what we know to ensure our survival and protect ourselves, right?
Even in writing this, I'm finding great difficulty in confronting the idea that I must protect myself or need to keep myself safe by not writing this post to its completion or share it with anyone- for whatever reason. And in thinking about the layer of myself that's trying to protect me from whatever nightmarish entity lurking out there, that wants to GET ME!... I'm wondering if this protective covering is something that I need to acknowledge as a part of me but doesn't necessarily fit into the continuation of my own growth. It may be the time that this layer is allowed to rest.
Suppose I were to shift from focusing on my thoughts of the symbolic part of "Buck Moon" towards an astrological perspective of July’s Full Moon. In that case, I believe I'd eventually come to the same conclusion regarding the idea of Shedding and Resting. But perhaps, just a bit differently.
This Full Moon will occur in the sign of Capricorn, which is the "Sister" or "Opposing Sign" of the Moon's Home of Cancer. And while the Moon may not be in the comfort of its own home in Cancer, the Sun certainly will be until later this month. The placement of the Sun and Full Moon is very much giving me TAUNTING energy, as sisters tend to do with each other. Though Full Moons always occur in the sign opposing the Sun, the opposition occurring during this Full Moon tends to point to a need to reconcile conflictual inner sufferings we experience within our internal landscapes. What I mean by that is, when every part of us always has something to say and don't always get along with each other, it's challenging to determine which part has our best interest vs. which part is solely there to protect us- regardless if the mode of protection is actually good for us or not. It's worked thus far, so it must be functional.
And throughout many of our lives, we're consistently told, "You can't please everyone!" While we may accept that as true, what are we supposed to do when we find it nearly impossible to please ourselves? Are we even taught what to do when we find ourselves in that situation? How do we Seek reconciliation when we are at war within ourselves? I feel that this Full Moon can aid in settling the curiosity that unfolds when seeking insight into these questions.
The Moon itself has generally been a signifier of our inner guidance- the kind that is ancestral or even primal. The type of guidance that's always available to you, but needs to be purposefully sought out to be truly appreciated- because its offerings of light exist in a space where visibility is largely lacking or unconscious. This form of "Seeking" reminds me of the maternal aspects of the Moon. And astrologically, the Moon is primarily associated with the Mother, at a very baseline level.
As a Mother seeks to raise and care for her children, that were nourished and cultivated in the darkness of her womb, she adopts most of the expectations of the primary caregiver. A tweet I saw from Amber Khan several months ago spoke to how culture is passed down from the Mother. And maybe that is something that is mostly forgotten or not thought of enough- just the impact that mothers have on the continuation and survival of cultures alone. It's expected of them, but rarely is it appreciated. And whether this expectation is a result of patriarchy or not- it seems that children are still at the mercy of their primary caregivers- their mothers. And considering where the Mother is in her personal development, she will then pass down certain traits to the child- consciously or not. As her Mother passed on to her, and so on. So, in a sense, I feel like the Moon could be considered a body that speaks of humanity's ancient and primal inheritances- an instinct to seek out and ensure our survival. And even endure suffering for our own sake.
Since the Full Moon will be opposing its home sign of Cancer, I feel that this tendency to continue grasping for nourishment primarily from a place of familiar behaviors that may have indeed ensured our survival up to a point could discomfortingly resurface from the often-overlooked depths of our beings. For us to recognize that maybe some of the tools we inherited from generations preceding us don't necessarily fit into a new reality that we see possible for ourselves. A reality that we deserve and are undoubtedly good enough for. But this doesn't mean that we don't need to honor the role that these tools have played in our lives up to this point. If anything, these tools may be used as an offering of some kind.
By offering or shedding what we know for what we eventually come to learn, there is a point where we may have to sit in the darkness that comes from a lack of understanding. Still, there is a hope that our vision will eventually adjust so that the darkness doesn't seem so unfamiliar, but can instead be understood as a part of ourselves that we haven't had much room to explore. And once that understanding comes, we can recognize that all we've done- in offering what no longer fits, is just a part of a continuous expedition to meet ourselves.
But still, this act of faith offerings and sitting with what we don't know for a while can be quite frightening, vulnerable, and even ugly at times- as is the velvet shedding process. But maybe that's the point and just a part of the nature of transformation.
And because this Full Moon is occuring in the sign of Capricorn, which is considered one of the more "practical" signs, I feel that this points to the discovery of new tools that aid in navigating the grief of letting rest what no longer fits and offers support in exploring a new environment that we don't have much familiarity with, because we hadn't been given the understanding to do so before.
The last thing I want to share before closing this out is that while meditating on the meaning behind this Full Moon and this idea of allowing oneself to sit in darkness for a while, I realized that I've truly been missing myself very much. And in that moment of realization, one of my favorite songs, "Killer Whale" by Boyscott began to play, saying:
Too soon
You're leaving when I just met you
I won't drift too far apart
I know it's hard
But I'll never let go
Just promise me you'll be here when I get back
I swear I will be here when you get back home
I felt these lyrics speak to a "back and forth" that I experience often, as far as going to and from home. Or going to and from myself- and how every time I manage to silence the noise around me, allow my mind to rest, and journey back to myself- I feel such a warm embrace of the Love I have living inside me. A Love that's so alive and passionate and wants me to be here so much! That says to me, "Yes, I'm still here. You can run, and I'm still gon be here because I want to be here. It's in my design to be here. And I will continue to be here for you forever. No matter how far you try to run from me, I will always be here for you." And while I am hard on myself sometimes because I know better than to run away from myself, I am still so grateful to have the privilege of tapping into this endless well of love that the Creator has woven into my heart. I'm thrilled I have it.
Even if I be doing shit I have no business doing, and come back to myself licking my wounds and shit after wandering far from home for a while. I'm still always lovingly received. I always belong. I don't have to wonder if I matter. And I'm reminded of a time when I didn't know that I had love available to me, and can acknowledge that it fucking SUCKED!! For there to be this constant and even torturous nagging that something is missing. And in being part of a society that doesn't necessarily encourage self-exploration outside of a shallow trend, it's challenging to determine what's real. And I still don't have the answer, only advice inspired by this Full Moon post. And that's just to be quiet and listen. And let yourself be ugly and scared. Even if it's just with yourself, because if you can't be vulnerable with yourself- you might miss the things that are for you and have always been for you, but live on the other side of that wall you've built around yourself. Lastly, I’ll sum up all of that advice and thoughts on this Full Moon into this: Do these walls, these layers of protection, do they still fit or do I need to let them rest?
Read it a second time and im amazeddd! great reflection
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to more posts on your blog!